Rise to the challenge

As an artist, you are constantly being challenged to go beyond your greatest limits in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have always willingly and eagerly accepted that challenge until now. The challenge I am referring to is Elgars Cello Concerto in E Minor 1st mov.

The whole piece in general is a challenge but the two specific sections I am struggling the most with are the opening chords and 2:20-2:50. This piece is saturated in turmoil, angst, death, pain, fear and trepidation as it was written during World War I while the composer had caught a serious infection and was undergoing a risky operation.  There is not an ounce of joy, happiness or relief in it and that is why I am having so much difficulty with it. My teacher has repeatedly told me "Your playing it just too pretty." By this she means that I am being to gentle with me approach. I am playing as if I am going to break my cello, like it cant handle this piece. With everything in me I want to but I can feel myself holding back and for the life of me I dont know why.

The question now becomes how bad do I want it? How far outside of my comfort zone am I willing to go? How much will I let this piece change me? How far will I allow this piece to stretch me? The ability to dig deeper and push yourself further than ever before is what separates the goods from the greats. There can be no timidness, doubt and insecurities in me in order to do this piece justice. I need to recall the experiences I have had with death in my family. I need to engross yourself in the emotions of this piece. This needs to become so much more than just a sad depressing song. It needs to become personal. And I know when I finally let myself do that, my gosh is it going to be breath taking.

Zari

Keep Calm and Carry On

This week are final exams. For the most part they are going well. But 22 credits is no easy task, let me tell you! I am passing all but two classes, accounting and management. I need at least an 80 on the management to pass. I think I can do it, but thats not the problem. Accounting is...

I need to get something like a 95 on the final just to get a C in the class and I think we both know that is not going to happen. There is no point in stressing and freaking out about this exam. I am still going to study and do my best on the test but am prepared to have to retake the class. Even if I do pass by the skin of my teeth I would have to take accounting 2 and if accounting 1 was hard I do not want to even think about accounting 2.

The cool thing about ORU is that if you fail, retake, then pass the class, the pass overrides the fail. What a relief! So I just might be taking accounting 1 next semester, no sweat. But let me tell you, I will NEVER fail another class again and if I do, trust me, I will not be this calm about it!

I wish...

I wish I guys liked me. 

I wish I were thinner,

I wish I were prettier 

I wish I were like those other girls

I wish my nose was smaller

I wish, I wish, I wish...

maybe then guys would like me.

I feel sorry for people who get their security from others. Sadly I use to be one of them. But no longer. What they do not understand is that you must find yourself beautiful before others will be able to see it. If you don't, you will end up starving, unsatisfied, empty and alone. No guy likes a bag of bones, frail and delicate. Trust me, I know. Why would someone like a girl too concerned about getting her outfit dirty to enjoy an outdoor hike?

It may sound clique but it is the truth. 

Be real, be yourself and stay true to who you are.

Love will follow.

-Z

Love

If love asks a question, do not deceive
For the truth is the answer, I only believe

If my heart should open, or if my eyes
in happiness shed a tear, love do not fear

Let the wind in my soul blow you away
And the sun in my heart brighten your day

If love and life I was asked to compare
Both of these with you I wish to share 

A New Normal

Let's just say I am glad to be back at school all the way in Oklahoma.

I did not have an enjoyable thanksgiving to say the least. You see it was our first holiday as this "new" family. So we (meaning my sister and I) spent thanksgiving making my mom and him happy while we were bored out of our minds. The part that really got to me was that we did not do black friday.

Black friday is a tradition my mom, sister and I started five years ago. We download movies from itunes, bundle up and pack tons of junk food to stand outside of target for hours just to get a tv,  gps or whatever it is we want that year. But this year we were having dinner while thousands of others were busting the doors of target.

It is not a huge deal, I guess I will just have to get use to things being different now that my mom is married again. But I am so ever happy to be back at school where I have control. It feels so good. And where I am Zara again. No one back home calls me by my new name yet.

Well I hope you had a good thanksgiving!
-Z

Absolutely Nothing

Sometimes things do not turn out the way we wish they would. Actually most times they do not. Sometimes it is for the best, others we cant see how any good will come from it. It was so close, everything was perfect. Anticipation was high. Nothing could have brought me down, except for one thing and that one thing happened. Everything came to a screeching halt. After the disbelief, confusion and anger passed I was left with nothing. All that excitement and build up for what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The Beginning of Something (hopefully!)

Ok so I know I said I would try not to write about this boy too much but something amazing happened.  I can already tell this is one of those posts I will look back on and think, "Why did I write that?" But I am too excited not to, so here I go.

Here at ORU we have what we call roommate dates. Basically you get a date for your roommate and then the whole floor (which is about 30 girls) goes out with there date.  The dates are suppose to be blind, but that never happens. So a few nights ago a bunch of girls were in my room disusing whom they wanted for their date. So when they asked me I said Max. Turned out one of the girls had a class with him, so it was decided she would ask him the following day..

What if he said no or had no idea who I was?  All kinds of scenarios were running though my head. I was on pins and needles the entire day.  Well to my great relief and somewhat surprise he knew who I was AND he said… YES! I could not believe it, he said yes! So the date is set for the 29^th. I am so nervous. This is going to be my first date EVER. I will try not to be too awkward :) I am just really hoping and praying it goes really well because from what I can tell I really like this guy.

Well needless to say, you will be hearing about my date so I guess having a boy free blog is out the window!

Till then,
Z