A whole new beginning

When I was 15 I decided to change my name. There was only one problem with that. In order to legally change my name as a minor I would have to have BOTH parents sign off on it. Long story short when I told my Dad of my plans he flipped out and refused to sign the papers. I have not mentioned changing my name to him once since that day more than 3 years ago. But that's not to say that my intentions changed.


I have tried out more than 20 different names over the past 3 years. Every time I would go to a summer camp or conference were no one knew me I would introduce myself with a new name. Oddly enough the name I have chosen was actually the first name I ever tried out. I think in some way I always knew that I would end up naming myself that. With only 3 months until college I figured it was either now or never. I i was going to actually change it I needed to move on it so yesterday, I filled out the paper work and went to the courthouse with my birth certificate. Its official, I'm in the process of changing my name legally.

For my first name I have chosen Zari. Zari is from the Bible and means "Whom God helps and protects". That statement is so true in my life. There are things that have happened in my past that God has absolutely protected me. God has gotten me out of unbelievable situations and honestly if those things had not happened to me, I would not be the person I am today. I have such a strong relationship with God and I know its because the things I have been through. Some people don't understand it, but at the end of the day all that matters is that I do! For my last name I decided on a name that means Beautiful. I chose it more for me than for anyone else. It is just to remind myself that I am just that, Beautiful no matter what anyone else says.

I am excited and confident in my decision to change my name. Right now only my Mom and sister know that I am in the process. I am not quiet sure how to tell people that I have changed it and how to explain why I changed it but we will tackle that problem when we get there. I am not planning on telling anyone til it is legal. Well I will let you know how it all goes!

-Z

Bonjour

I know I have not posted much this month at all but I have good reason. I did a study abroad in Europe. It was an absolutely amazing experience that I will never forget. We went to London, Paris, Normandy, Amsterdam, and Bayeux. For the first few days we stayed in London and Amsterdam where they spoke English so it was pretty easy to get directions, ride the "tube", and order food at a restaurant. It was not until we crossed into France that it truly felt like like we were in another country. I will never forget having to go to the bathroom for the first time in France. I was so shocked that you had to PAY for the bathroom, even in restaurants! Ordering food was always an adventure. My strategy was simply order what I could say. That always kept dinner interesting. This was the second time I have been to Paris but the first time I can really remember. What a beautiful city it was. This defiantly will not be my last time!

Number Two... Completed

I have completed P90X whoo hoo!!! I feel amazing. I can do things that were unthinkable three months ago. Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups and even that crazy weird under the fence swooshing motion (anyone whose done it knows what in talking about!) Since i first started i have gotten much more toned but I do not want to deceive anyone reading this. I do have to confess that I was not the most strict on the diet part of it, but hey i did more than a lot of other people! Now I by no means am saying that I was eating french fries and ice creameveryday at all I just did not follow the diet to the T. None the less I am extremely excited to have completed it and to my great surprise working out is strangely addicting. I am in the best shape of my short 18 year life. I think I would dare say even better than when I tested for my black belt. So with that said I have decided to either do P90X again starting in may or join lifetime fitness's Run Club. Sadly I was the only one of all the people I started with to complete it so I am hoping they might try again.

To anyone who wants to get into great shape I highly recommend P90X. I am amazed at what it has done for me in just three months. But do not miss understand me, it is no walk in the park... but its worth it.

Not only am i excited to have finished P90X but I am also really happy to be able to cross that off of my new years resolutions and its only April, I still have eight more months left!

Till next time,

-Z

Success

I think the title says about everything! I actually hosted the sleepover this past weekend and it went great. I invited 3 of my closest friends. I was nervous at first that there would be a lot of awkward silences and nothing really to do but the moment the first person arrived my nerves calmed. The most fun part of the night was bowling. Not actually the bowling its self but how we got the lane. Here let me tell you what happened.

So we walk into the bowling alley around 10:30 expecting it not to be too packed. We were so naive, I mean it was a Friday night of course it was going to be packed. So anyway we finally get to the front of this crazy long line only to be told we have to wait at least 30 minuets. But we all decide to wait it out so we grab some seats and watch other people play. After a few minuets we notice this guy who every time is getting a strike, he ended up bowling a perfect game, it was pretty amazing. After he finished his game he comes over to us to see if we are waiting for a lane. When we say yes he says that hes done bowling and that we can just use his lane which he had for the rest of the night. At first we were a little skeptical. We did not know if he wanted something in return from us or what. But it turned out he worked there and he gave us free shoe retails so we bowled until about one in the morning. Everyone really had a blast.

After that we headed back to my house and watched movies, baked a whole bunch of stuff, talked about whose dating who, did stupid dares, and finally knocked out at about 5:30 am. I am really glad I decided to host it. It really brought us closer as friends and helped me relax and simply be myself around them with out feeling judged. I'm thinking another one is not too far off into the future!

Here's a snapshot of us.

(Bad picture, great memories!)

-Z

Here I Am

A poem, upon request.

Hope you enjoy it.

Here I stand.

Confused and alone.

Not quiet sure what to do.

Never have I felt so on my own.

Here I am.

Knowing your desire is for me to fail,

I am all the more determined to succsed.

And then I will have prevailed.

Here I stand.

Ready to prove you wrong.

Though you thought you'd torn me down,

Here I am, standing strong.

-Z

A First For Everything

Generally speaking, the first time you do just about anything is the scariest. But i believe that fear should never stop you from doing something and quiet honestly if your scared to do it, it usually was worth doing in the long run. 

 So with that said I am throwing my first sleepover. Yes I know it is a little late for me to be doing it but there is a first time for everything. I have been Home schooled for all but two years of my life. Since I am home schooled I have often felt like I have missed out on alot of social events like parties and sleepovers. The fact that i naturally stay to myself and am extremely shy does not help. I am glad like never before that my younger sister is a total social butterfly. If she is not texting someone she is facebook chatting them. If shes not facebooking them then shes skyping them. She is constantly talking to someone. She is invited to a sleepover or party just about every weekend so she has experience in sleepovers. I am having it the second week in March so ill let you know how it goes. Although I have no idea how it is going to turn out I am excited for it. In life you cant blame other people for you missing out on opportunities nor can you just sit back and expect everything to fall out perfectly in your life. Sometimes you must take matters into your own hands. 

 I am well aware that a sleepover is not a life changing event but for me its proving something to myself. Its proving that i have friends who like me for who I am, even in my most awkward and embarrassing moments. I have always felt like my friends are judging me or waiting for me to do something dumb so they can make fun of me. But that's not the truth. Spending this time with them I believe will prove to myself that they like me simply for who I am and that I can be all the way comfortable around them. I hope all goes well!

-Z

Simply Not Real

Have you ever made up a relationship in your head? Over analyzed someones every move or word said to you that you convince yourself that they like you? Well I have. Most of my so called "relationships" have been like that. I think they like me because I read too much into how they look at me or the way they act around around me. And then because I think they like me I start to like them. It sounds so weird when I actually write it out but this is what i do. The worst part of doing this is when you wake up and are realize the harsh reality that he does not like you at all. For me this epiphany usually comes when he starts to date my friend and i realize that there was never anything there. I have to stop doing this. There is no happy ending when I do this. I just need to stop doing this... end of story.

-Z