I am so thankful that I serve a mercyful God. Even when I mess up He still loves me. I am so greatful for His love. I messed up today but i am determined to live everyday to glorify His name.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
The Room
Have you ever read the story called "The Room"? Well as you know i am reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye. In the book he recalls a dream he had and I just thought it was worth sharing, so here it is.
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found
myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features
save for the one wall covered with small index card files.
They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author
or subject in alphabetical order.
But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and
seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different
headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to
catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked".
I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I
quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the
names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog
system for my life. Here were written the actions of my
every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory
couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled
with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening
files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and
sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so
intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if
anyone was watching.
A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I
Have Betrayed". The titles ranged from the mundane to
the outright weird. "Books I Have Read", "Lies I Have
Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed
At". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things
I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at:
"Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have
muttered Under My Breath at My Parents". I never
ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were
many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I
hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had
lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 16
years to write each of these thousands or even millions of
cards? But each card confirmed this truth.
Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with
my signature. When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I
Have Listened To", I realized the files grew to contain
their contents. The cards were packed tightly,
and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of
the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of
music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file
represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts", I felt a
chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch,
not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I
shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that
such a moment had been recorded.
An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought
dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards!
No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!"
In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't
matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I
took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I
could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and
pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I
tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.
Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-
pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I
Have Shared the Gospel With".
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer,
almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not
more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could
count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep
that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me.
I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from
the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves
swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever
know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No,
please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I
watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read
the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in
the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I
saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to
intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read
every one?
Finally, He turned and looked at me from across the
room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was
a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered
my face with my hands and began to cry again.
He walked over and put His arm around me. He could
have said so many things. But He didn't say a word.
He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files.
Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and,
one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each
card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could
find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him.
His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was,
written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus
covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently
took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began
to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He
did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard
Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He
placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I
stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was
no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
What an amazing message. Just had to share that with everyone!
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found
myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features
save for the one wall covered with small index card files.
They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author
or subject in alphabetical order.
But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and
seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different
headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to
catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked".
I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I
quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the
names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog
system for my life. Here were written the actions of my
every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory
couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled
with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening
files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and
sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so
intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if
anyone was watching.
A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I
Have Betrayed". The titles ranged from the mundane to
the outright weird. "Books I Have Read", "Lies I Have
Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed
At". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things
I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at:
"Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have
muttered Under My Breath at My Parents". I never
ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were
many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I
hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had
lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 16
years to write each of these thousands or even millions of
cards? But each card confirmed this truth.
Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with
my signature. When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I
Have Listened To", I realized the files grew to contain
their contents. The cards were packed tightly,
and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of
the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of
music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file
represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts", I felt a
chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch,
not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I
shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that
such a moment had been recorded.
An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought
dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards!
No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!"
In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't
matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I
took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I
could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and
pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I
tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.
Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-
pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I
Have Shared the Gospel With".
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer,
almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not
more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could
count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep
that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me.
I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from
the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves
swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever
know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No,
please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I
watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read
the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in
the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I
saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to
intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read
every one?
Finally, He turned and looked at me from across the
room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was
a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered
my face with my hands and began to cry again.
He walked over and put His arm around me. He could
have said so many things. But He didn't say a word.
He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files.
Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and,
one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each
card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could
find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him.
His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was,
written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus
covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently
took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began
to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He
did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard
Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He
placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I
stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was
no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
What an amazing message. Just had to share that with everyone!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Let's Go
So I think I might have to start working out more. I am a black belt in Tang Soo Do and i do classes about twice a week but I think I might need to start doing more. Lately stuff just has not been fitting the same and I am kind of freaking out! I have never really had any weight problems until I started taking some new medication. So I think I might start running, something like 2 miles a day. I know its not a lot but it sure could not hurt. I have to save the freshmen 15 for when i am actually a freshman!
I wonder if anyone will ever read this blog besides me. I highly doubt it but thats ok. I don't really blame them. I have an interesting life, i just need to work on showing that when i write. But its all good. Alright til next time
-A
I wonder if anyone will ever read this blog besides me. I highly doubt it but thats ok. I don't really blame them. I have an interesting life, i just need to work on showing that when i write. But its all good. Alright til next time
-A
Friday, October 22, 2010
A Day to Remember
My mom is without a doubt amazing. So early this morning, she wakes my sister and I up and tells us to be ready to go by the time she comes back. She just has to make a quick run. So by the time she comes back we are both ready to go and we walk outside. And do you know what is sitting in the driveway? A CAR!!! A car for me! It was just so amazing. I can't believe i have a car just like that. This opens up a whole new chapter of my life for me. I rarely drive but today she made me drive everywhere. I can go where I want when I want. The only downfalls are that i can't go my homework or sleep in the car anymore. Oh and i have to pay for gas now. Wow. So that was my day yep, I have a car now. I will never forget today.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I Kissed Dating Goodbye
My mom made it clear to me years ago that there would be no dating while I was living under her roof. I am not going to lie, I have been tempted many times to defy that rule. Its my life after all but despite all the temptations and urges from my friends I have made the decision to obey her. To be honest, making the decision was much easier than actually following it. I have definitely felt that I am missing out on something amazing and it gets tiring always being the 5th wheel. But then I picked up this book on dating and it gave me an entirely new out look on it. The book is called "I kissed Dating Goodbye". I this I felt like I could relate. Although the title may sound radical the point of the book is not to not date. It simply looks at things in a different light. I really makes me rethink my expectations of dating and what it means to be in a relationship. If you have not read it, I highly recommend it. Even if you are in a relationship. No excuses, just give it a try and let me know what you think of it!
Friday, July 23, 2010
A Beginning
So I have been staring at this blog for about a week now. Wondering how I should start it. Although I am still not quiet sure i decided to stop procrastinating and start writing. So here goes nothing!
Well my name is Zari. Although most people fail to pronounce my name anywhere near close I still love it. It defines me. Its very different, rare and beautiful, just like me as you soon will see for your self. Ok for starters, I am 17 years old and have never dated. Most peoples first reaction would be "Well no one must have asked her out, poor thing" well WRONG! I think I am just about the only 17 year old girl who actually follows her moms "no dating til your out of the house" rule. The truth is I have been asked out many times even by some pretty cute guys and even though i wish i could be as care free as my younger sister who dates, guilt always gets the best of me. One time I managed to talk to a guy for... four days lol. I dont think that really counts but oh well. Well its so late at night that its now early so I am off to bed.
Night
Well my name is Zari. Although most people fail to pronounce my name anywhere near close I still love it. It defines me. Its very different, rare and beautiful, just like me as you soon will see for your self. Ok for starters, I am 17 years old and have never dated. Most peoples first reaction would be "Well no one must have asked her out, poor thing" well WRONG! I think I am just about the only 17 year old girl who actually follows her moms "no dating til your out of the house" rule. The truth is I have been asked out many times even by some pretty cute guys and even though i wish i could be as care free as my younger sister who dates, guilt always gets the best of me. One time I managed to talk to a guy for... four days lol. I dont think that really counts but oh well. Well its so late at night that its now early so I am off to bed.
Night
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Dear Me,
Stop Listening to what other people think you should have done. You Did The Right Thing. You did not let pier pressure or even a mega hot guy make you do things you did not want to do or knew were wrong. I'm proud of you. Even though you may be thinking that you made the wrong decision by cutting it off. Lets look at the facts. Yes he was gorgeous, tall, nice and had the body of a soccer player but was actually into photography. Hes was easy to talk to and always left you laughing. Hes was as close to perfect as could be. BUT the timing was awful. You made the mature decision. Although you are 17 your mom still does not allow you to date. So instead of going behind your moms back and betraying her trust, you ended it before it really ever even started. Unlike most teens your age you take great pride in your mothers trust. Some may call you weak but the guilt took away all the fun. To see his name on your caller ID did not bring joy to to but rather anxiety. You only have a few more months till you will be able to. Although everyone at school is saying you should have done it, deep down you know you did the right thing. You did what was best for you. What can you say? Your simply not an ordinary teen! Don't worry, ill all pay off one day.
Yours Truly
Yours Truly
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