Just Another Dateless Year

I just found an old blog I started before this one. It was actually pretty cute. It was titled Letters to No One.  Anyway I imported them into this blog so everything between February and June 2010 is from the old blog. One of my old writings really struck me.  It was titled "Dear Non Existent Prom Date". Heres what I wrote;

"Well no date this year which = no prom for me. Your the one missing out, not me... even if it goes seem like its the other way around! Don't worry though this time next year I will be writing about an existing prom date. But why did you ask her? Shes so superficial and narcissistic! So what shes cute and short. "fun sized". blah blah blah. I on the other hand stand at a fine height of 5'9 and am awesome! I can also carry an intelligent conversation that is not about me. And most importantly I like you not just because you are physically attractive but because you have a great personality, really fun to be around and you are very respectful to everyone around you. Well hope you have fun this year with Ms. Artificial!"

Needless to say history has repeated its self again.  Obviously when I wrote that entry I was pretty mad.  The nice guys all choose cute little air headed girls to go to prom with.  I just could not understand why no one had asked me.  But this year my frustration with not getting a prom date is not the girl they choose (thats second) its that I feel like I missed out on high school.

I know proms not a huge deal but I started community college when I was 14, finished high school when I was 15 and I am not going to my high school graduation this year. I feel like I went straight from middle school to college and in some weird way prom was going to be all my "high school experience" all in one night.  I wanted that picture of me pinning a corsage onto some guy, him with his arms around me, the whole 9 yards. Some people may be wondering why I cant go by myself. Simply put, I am homeschooled and we dont have a prom. If I had one I would have no problem going by myself but since I dont have one I have to go to someone else. Well I guess that there is always college. Its their loss... Just saying!

I am More

Have you ever heard a song that says exactly what you need to hear every time it plays? Well "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North is that song for me absolutely every time I hear it.

Lately choices I made long ago have been coming back to haunt me.  Some I had control over, some I did not but none the less I made them. The reason a lot of them have been coming back recently is because my Dad is taking my Mom back to court.  I hate it. The last six years has been revolving around it.  It just puts so much stress on everyone. When I was 12 me and my sister was 10 we were called to the judges back chambers and were questioned for a good few hours. Ever since that day our dad now blames us for screwing up his fiances, having to pay tons of child support, being manipulated by our mom and her family, for living life on "the wrong path" (whatever that means) and most often he says we are worthless.  That last one hurts the most. The list is just simply ridiculous. Ever since that day I have wrestled with myself about what I could have done differently. I am not going to go into greater detail because I do not want to bore you.

There are many other things that I regret doing or not doing. Things that were said that I wish had stayed unsaid, friendships that were broken, actions that were done, the list goes on and on. With all thats going on I started to feel like I had made some many mistakes, done so many things wrong that they could not be undone. Then this song came on the radio. The chorus is my favorite part

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

I knew this but somewhere along the line I had convinced myself that it was not true or did not apply to me but the truth is IT DOES!  And I am more then my past problems, choices and mistakes.  I am not bound to my past and that feels absolutely amazing. And most importantly, I am beyond simply being worth it, I am priceless. That is what God says and I choose to listen to that over anything the world says about me. I am not perfect but God knew that coming into things. If he had expected me to be then he would not have died on the cross for me. I am so grateful for Gods Grace. I do not know what I would do without it.

-Z

A whole new beginning

When I was 15 I decided to change my name. There was only one problem with that. In order to legally change my name as a minor I would have to have BOTH parents sign off on it. Long story short when I told my Dad of my plans he flipped out and refused to sign the papers. I have not mentioned changing my name to him once since that day more than 3 years ago. But that's not to say that my intentions changed.


I have tried out more than 20 different names over the past 3 years. Every time I would go to a summer camp or conference were no one knew me I would introduce myself with a new name. Oddly enough the name I have chosen was actually the first name I ever tried out. I think in some way I always knew that I would end up naming myself that. With only 3 months until college I figured it was either now or never. I i was going to actually change it I needed to move on it so yesterday, I filled out the paper work and went to the courthouse with my birth certificate. Its official, I'm in the process of changing my name legally.

For my first name I have chosen Zari. Zari is from the Bible and means "Whom God helps and protects". That statement is so true in my life. There are things that have happened in my past that God has absolutely protected me. God has gotten me out of unbelievable situations and honestly if those things had not happened to me, I would not be the person I am today. I have such a strong relationship with God and I know its because the things I have been through. Some people don't understand it, but at the end of the day all that matters is that I do! For my last name I decided on a name that means Beautiful. I chose it more for me than for anyone else. It is just to remind myself that I am just that, Beautiful no matter what anyone else says.

I am excited and confident in my decision to change my name. Right now only my Mom and sister know that I am in the process. I am not quiet sure how to tell people that I have changed it and how to explain why I changed it but we will tackle that problem when we get there. I am not planning on telling anyone til it is legal. Well I will let you know how it all goes!

-Z

Bonjour

I know I have not posted much this month at all but I have good reason. I did a study abroad in Europe. It was an absolutely amazing experience that I will never forget. We went to London, Paris, Normandy, Amsterdam, and Bayeux. For the first few days we stayed in London and Amsterdam where they spoke English so it was pretty easy to get directions, ride the "tube", and order food at a restaurant. It was not until we crossed into France that it truly felt like like we were in another country. I will never forget having to go to the bathroom for the first time in France. I was so shocked that you had to PAY for the bathroom, even in restaurants! Ordering food was always an adventure. My strategy was simply order what I could say. That always kept dinner interesting. This was the second time I have been to Paris but the first time I can really remember. What a beautiful city it was. This defiantly will not be my last time!

Number Two... Completed

I have completed P90X whoo hoo!!! I feel amazing. I can do things that were unthinkable three months ago. Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups and even that crazy weird under the fence swooshing motion (anyone whose done it knows what in talking about!) Since i first started i have gotten much more toned but I do not want to deceive anyone reading this. I do have to confess that I was not the most strict on the diet part of it, but hey i did more than a lot of other people! Now I by no means am saying that I was eating french fries and ice creameveryday at all I just did not follow the diet to the T. None the less I am extremely excited to have completed it and to my great surprise working out is strangely addicting. I am in the best shape of my short 18 year life. I think I would dare say even better than when I tested for my black belt. So with that said I have decided to either do P90X again starting in may or join lifetime fitness's Run Club. Sadly I was the only one of all the people I started with to complete it so I am hoping they might try again.

To anyone who wants to get into great shape I highly recommend P90X. I am amazed at what it has done for me in just three months. But do not miss understand me, it is no walk in the park... but its worth it.

Not only am i excited to have finished P90X but I am also really happy to be able to cross that off of my new years resolutions and its only April, I still have eight more months left!

Till next time,

-Z

Success

I think the title says about everything! I actually hosted the sleepover this past weekend and it went great. I invited 3 of my closest friends. I was nervous at first that there would be a lot of awkward silences and nothing really to do but the moment the first person arrived my nerves calmed. The most fun part of the night was bowling. Not actually the bowling its self but how we got the lane. Here let me tell you what happened.

So we walk into the bowling alley around 10:30 expecting it not to be too packed. We were so naive, I mean it was a Friday night of course it was going to be packed. So anyway we finally get to the front of this crazy long line only to be told we have to wait at least 30 minuets. But we all decide to wait it out so we grab some seats and watch other people play. After a few minuets we notice this guy who every time is getting a strike, he ended up bowling a perfect game, it was pretty amazing. After he finished his game he comes over to us to see if we are waiting for a lane. When we say yes he says that hes done bowling and that we can just use his lane which he had for the rest of the night. At first we were a little skeptical. We did not know if he wanted something in return from us or what. But it turned out he worked there and he gave us free shoe retails so we bowled until about one in the morning. Everyone really had a blast.

After that we headed back to my house and watched movies, baked a whole bunch of stuff, talked about whose dating who, did stupid dares, and finally knocked out at about 5:30 am. I am really glad I decided to host it. It really brought us closer as friends and helped me relax and simply be myself around them with out feeling judged. I'm thinking another one is not too far off into the future!

Here's a snapshot of us.

(Bad picture, great memories!)

-Z

Here I Am

A poem, upon request.

Hope you enjoy it.

Here I stand.

Confused and alone.

Not quiet sure what to do.

Never have I felt so on my own.

Here I am.

Knowing your desire is for me to fail,

I am all the more determined to succsed.

And then I will have prevailed.

Here I stand.

Ready to prove you wrong.

Though you thought you'd torn me down,

Here I am, standing strong.

-Z