This week was interesting to say the least. It felt good to be back home in maryland. I had not seen my mom in two months and boy did it feel good to be hugged by her again. We made this huge scene at the airport. It was hilarious, everyone was looking at us, but I did not care. I was back home. Later that day we picked up my sister from her boarding school which was about 4 hours away, and yes we did the whole scene all over again.
To my great surprise Everton (my moms finance) decided to meet us in Georgia later that week for the wedding. It was really nice to spend some much needed time alone with my mom. Since I now live in Tulsa where no one really has a sence of style I desided to wait until I got to Maryland to buy my dress. It felt as if i had never gone away to college just hanging out with my mom like old times.
Once we got to Georgia the dynamics changed, it was all about the wedding. Strangely enough my mom really counted on me to do many of the finishing touches such as checking the reception room, making sure the cake got there and other minor things. All in all the wedding went well.
But this was the strangest part. I was ready to go back to school. I was ready for several reasons. 1) I was tired of being my old name again. My family though they try have not switched over to Zara at all. 2) The mom I knew was no longer there. She had changed. Not in a bad way but different none the less. I had never seen her this happy and care free. I liked seeing this way. I just was not use to it. 3) While we were in Maryland we sold our home. The only home I ever lived in. Sure my mom now lives in Georgia but what about me? Is home Tulsa now for me?
I dont know, these reasons sound dumb now but all those and others I can not explain caused me to ask "Am I leaving home or going home?" I did not even care that much but all I knew was that I was ready to leave. I also concluded that Tulsa is now home...
-Z
Friday, September 30, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Third Update of the Year
8) Make friends at ORU!!! (homeschooling prepared me well academically, socially is a whole other story)
9) Don't get really irritated or annoyed with my roommate (because that will make for a long year!)
10)Tell my dad about changing my name (preferably before I leave in August)
11) I think number 8 was a little vague. Make GUY friends, not just girls
12)Continue to run and work out at school
13) Stop drinking Dr. Pepper! (Its the only soda I drink but I am whiten my teeth, so it has to go!)
14) Learn how to carry a good conversation with anyone. Teachers, friends, guys. Everyone.
Alright so since my last update to this list, in June, I have crosses off number 8, 10 and 12. Lets start with number 8.
To my great surprise making friends was not has hard as i had expected it to be. Don't really know what to write about this one but there was defiantly an adjustment period to say the least. I had to get used to being around people 24/7. I was a little overwhelming at first quiet honestly but i eventually found out that by just having a few hours to myself its not so bad. I have not found (so far) any life long friends yet, but i have found many people that i enjoy being around. Hopefully by the end of the year I will have made some friends i can see myself keeping in touch with for many years after college!
10) Well I told my dad back in july i think and i wrote a post on it so no need to do it again!
12) This one is probably that most interesting. I met a girl who had run a marathon when she was 16 (she's now 18) and want to run another. So we decided to train together! For those of you who don't know, running a marathon is one of my life goals. So to have the opportunity to knock this one out with in the next year is amazing. I am so excited!
Sorry to be so boring. I promise more interesting posts are to come. (my mom gets married this month...) well thats all for now
-Z
9) Don't get really irritated or annoyed with my roommate (because that will make for a long year!)
10)
11) I think number 8 was a little vague. Make GUY friends, not just girls
12)
13) Stop drinking Dr. Pepper! (Its the only soda I drink but I am whiten my teeth, so it has to go!)
14) Learn how to carry a good conversation with anyone. Teachers, friends, guys. Everyone.
Alright so since my last update to this list, in June, I have crosses off number 8, 10 and 12. Lets start with number 8.
To my great surprise making friends was not has hard as i had expected it to be. Don't really know what to write about this one but there was defiantly an adjustment period to say the least. I had to get used to being around people 24/7. I was a little overwhelming at first quiet honestly but i eventually found out that by just having a few hours to myself its not so bad. I have not found (so far) any life long friends yet, but i have found many people that i enjoy being around. Hopefully by the end of the year I will have made some friends i can see myself keeping in touch with for many years after college!
10) Well I told my dad back in july i think and i wrote a post on it so no need to do it again!
12) This one is probably that most interesting. I met a girl who had run a marathon when she was 16 (she's now 18) and want to run another. So we decided to train together! For those of you who don't know, running a marathon is one of my life goals. So to have the opportunity to knock this one out with in the next year is amazing. I am so excited!
Sorry to be so boring. I promise more interesting posts are to come. (my mom gets married this month...) well thats all for now
-Z
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Walk of Shame
Today something totally embarrassing happened. Something that has never happened before and hopefully never happen again. Something so awful that it became blog worthy.
My credit card was declined at Target. The worst part was that I have a class with the guy who was checking me out. I can not even put into words the feeling that hit me when I realized it had been declined. Bad bad bad. To top it off I was with a few friends.
It happened a few hours ago now and its not as big of a deal as I am making it but that had never happened before! (and better not happen ever ago!) so I thought I would just write a short little piece on that.
-Z
My credit card was declined at Target. The worst part was that I have a class with the guy who was checking me out. I can not even put into words the feeling that hit me when I realized it had been declined. Bad bad bad. To top it off I was with a few friends.
It happened a few hours ago now and its not as big of a deal as I am making it but that had never happened before! (and better not happen ever ago!) so I thought I would just write a short little piece on that.
-Z
Monday, August 22, 2011
Everything and Nothing
I dont even know were to begin. So many things have happened in the past few weeks that its just crazy. I think the one i am most excited about has to do with my mom. Two months ago my little sister and i made my mom an e-harmony account (with her permission of course). To our great surprise she got really into it and met a guy that she really started to like. Fast forward to last week and now she is engaged. We never saw this coming. My mom is different now, but its a good kind of different. I have thought long and hard about what the difference is and I think its that she is in love. I have never truly seen my mom in love. My parents marriage started falling apart long before the divoice. I was so young I sadly don't remember a time when my parents were in love. She is so happy and stress free. The wedding is going to be in about six weeks. Thats like no time in wedding time. I could not be happier for my mom.
As for the guy its going to take me some time getting use to him. His personality is very just ready to be my dad is the best way I can say it. I have grown up with out a dad and now I am away at college. He just wants to jump right into my life. And I know its not a bad thing. It just is going to take some time to get use to.
I am in my second week of college at Oral Roberts University. I love it here. College is absolutely amazing. Its a huge change from being homeschooled, thats for sure. Already i have had ice cream socials, learned to play ultimate frisby and volleyball and my favorite so far, had mud fights with our brother wing at 1 in the morning in the rain. The classes are easy, I like my room mate and teachers but the food is a whole other story. I never have understood the famed freshman 15 but I do now more than ever and I refuse to gain it so to help prevent it guess what i went out and did...
I went out and MADE THE TRACK AND FIELD TEAM! I still can not believe it. It has not started yet but when it does I will be running a minimum of 30 miles a week. Crazy right! I will write all about it when I do start.
And finally there is a boy that I like. I try not to write about guys too often but there is just something about him. His name is Max and he is an incoming freshman, but hes two years older than me (he did mission trips for two years after high school) and his major is music tech. Oddly enough he is in my brother wing, so I get to see him quiet a bit. You must understand I do not very often like guys. I rather stay focused on school, making good grades and such but then he came along. He's not the kind of guy I imaged myself liking at all!
For starters he is my height if not shorter and I am only 5'9. Hes not very athlete. I always thought I would like a soccer player or like someone tall who could protect me. Even just writing about him now if makes me just smile. Its weird. What draws me to him is how outgoing and confident he is but not in a cocky way at all. I like how he does his own thing. Hes not a follower. And most of all I love how he puts Christ first in his life. Anyway I have only know him for a few weeks now but I will write more later. As for now I must finish a whole bunch of homework.
Till next time
-Z
As for the guy its going to take me some time getting use to him. His personality is very just ready to be my dad is the best way I can say it. I have grown up with out a dad and now I am away at college. He just wants to jump right into my life. And I know its not a bad thing. It just is going to take some time to get use to.
I am in my second week of college at Oral Roberts University. I love it here. College is absolutely amazing. Its a huge change from being homeschooled, thats for sure. Already i have had ice cream socials, learned to play ultimate frisby and volleyball and my favorite so far, had mud fights with our brother wing at 1 in the morning in the rain. The classes are easy, I like my room mate and teachers but the food is a whole other story. I never have understood the famed freshman 15 but I do now more than ever and I refuse to gain it so to help prevent it guess what i went out and did...
I went out and MADE THE TRACK AND FIELD TEAM! I still can not believe it. It has not started yet but when it does I will be running a minimum of 30 miles a week. Crazy right! I will write all about it when I do start.
And finally there is a boy that I like. I try not to write about guys too often but there is just something about him. His name is Max and he is an incoming freshman, but hes two years older than me (he did mission trips for two years after high school) and his major is music tech. Oddly enough he is in my brother wing, so I get to see him quiet a bit. You must understand I do not very often like guys. I rather stay focused on school, making good grades and such but then he came along. He's not the kind of guy I imaged myself liking at all!
For starters he is my height if not shorter and I am only 5'9. Hes not very athlete. I always thought I would like a soccer player or like someone tall who could protect me. Even just writing about him now if makes me just smile. Its weird. What draws me to him is how outgoing and confident he is but not in a cocky way at all. I like how he does his own thing. Hes not a follower. And most of all I love how he puts Christ first in his life. Anyway I have only know him for a few weeks now but I will write more later. As for now I must finish a whole bunch of homework.
Till next time
-Z
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Becoming
I am legally and officially Zara by both government and family. Many people think that by changing my name I have finally become the person I always thought and felt I was but its the other way around. I am becoming the person I always wanted to be.
The main characteristic of this person is that she does not care what others think. In the past I exerted so much energy trying to make everyone happy and to do right by them. Caring entirely too much whether they liked my outfit or not, if my latest crush likes me back, or whether I am in with the "cool" kids or not. But not Zara.
Believe me, I understand that I am still the same person no matter what my name is but only to a certain extent. I believe that there are some things in a persons personality that can not be changed and others that can. Some things only take the simple decision of choice to change. And that is all that I am doing. Choosing to change.
Now understand me clearly. The past 18 years of my life have been filled with joy, happiness, some sorrow and hurt, a little regret, but most of all knowledge. Although those years were good I have learned some things that must change in order for me to enjoy the rest of my life to the fullest.
The word insanity means to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. If I do not change something than that is just what I am doing. It may seem like an obvious solution to some but it was not for me, but none the less I have come to the same conclusion. Stop listening and care what others think of you so much. And that is just what I intend to do. Its what I must do. Because I am going to live the life I have imagined for myself.
I write you for the first time legally as Zara.
-Z
The main characteristic of this person is that she does not care what others think. In the past I exerted so much energy trying to make everyone happy and to do right by them. Caring entirely too much whether they liked my outfit or not, if my latest crush likes me back, or whether I am in with the "cool" kids or not. But not Zara.
Believe me, I understand that I am still the same person no matter what my name is but only to a certain extent. I believe that there are some things in a persons personality that can not be changed and others that can. Some things only take the simple decision of choice to change. And that is all that I am doing. Choosing to change.
Now understand me clearly. The past 18 years of my life have been filled with joy, happiness, some sorrow and hurt, a little regret, but most of all knowledge. Although those years were good I have learned some things that must change in order for me to enjoy the rest of my life to the fullest.
The word insanity means to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. If I do not change something than that is just what I am doing. It may seem like an obvious solution to some but it was not for me, but none the less I have come to the same conclusion. Stop listening and care what others think of you so much. And that is just what I intend to do. Its what I must do. Because I am going to live the life I have imagined for myself.
I write you for the first time legally as Zara.
-Z
Friday, July 1, 2011
Pleasantly Surprised
I love when life pleasantly surprises me. Yesterday I thought it best to call my grandma (my dads mom) to let her know that I had renamed myself. I was expecting her to be just as harsh and cruel as my dad had been just the day before. In the 6 years since my parents divorce my relationship with her has really deteriorated. Simple things such as birthday gifts and holiday money had simply turned into a card signed grandma. So I was not really expect but support from her.
How I was wrong. I suspect that my dad called her the day before, right after I told him. She was extremely calm and strangely encouraging. Her words to me where that it was a beautiful name, who cares what others think of it, that it fits me well, that shes never met another Zara, its my body as long as I am not doing anything stupid that I should do with it what makes me happy and finally as long as I was happy with it then so was she. She only had two questions for me. 1) How did I spell it? and 2) When she sends me things should she address them to Zara?
Even as I write this now I am still so surprised with how well and encouraging that conversation was. Through this experience I am learning a lot about my family and friends. Who truly loves and cares for me and loves me unconditionally and also who could not careless about me. It truly has been an unforgettable adventure. Tomorrow I will conquer a big portion of my moms side of the family! I hope it goes as well as this conversation went.
Til then
-Z
How I was wrong. I suspect that my dad called her the day before, right after I told him. She was extremely calm and strangely encouraging. Her words to me where that it was a beautiful name, who cares what others think of it, that it fits me well, that shes never met another Zara, its my body as long as I am not doing anything stupid that I should do with it what makes me happy and finally as long as I was happy with it then so was she. She only had two questions for me. 1) How did I spell it? and 2) When she sends me things should she address them to Zara?
Even as I write this now I am still so surprised with how well and encouraging that conversation was. Through this experience I am learning a lot about my family and friends. Who truly loves and cares for me and loves me unconditionally and also who could not careless about me. It truly has been an unforgettable adventure. Tomorrow I will conquer a big portion of my moms side of the family! I hope it goes as well as this conversation went.
Til then
-Z
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Free to be
Last night I told my dad that I had changed my name. His reaction was calmer than I had excepted but his words were some of the harshest he has ever said. He called me selfish, self absorbed, egotistic, fake, stuck up and some other much stronger words that I will not repeat. I was ok. Sure it hurt that he thought I was so self center when I have really made a point of living my life as selfless as I can. Once he saw I was not crying or enraged by his insults he started going for the kill in the one area of my life that I take pride in. How I strive to live every moment of everyday to glorify God. I love to tell people what a forgiving, loving and merciful God I serve and how they can too. If I do nothing more than bring people to Christ my whole life, I would be so happy but that is getting off track so back to the conversation.
He said how sad we was to see me living a life full of darkness and sin. How he hated to see me running from God and living a life as a "cover christian". Someone who can quote all the scriptures and say all the right things on Sunday but by Wednesday is out doing who knows what. How he can see right through the surface of me going to an extremely Conservative christian university (what an expensive cover up that he is not even paying for!) and that one day the world will see who I really am. He concludes with saying that he is just challenging me on my faith and telling me how he sees me living my life and that in the end he is not the one judging me (thank God!) and finally that he will always love me no matter how far I run from God (whoo hoo dad, thanks a lot).
I had been dreading this conversation for years. He said he will always call me by my birth name which is exactly what I expected of him. I can not even begin to describe the weight that I felt lift off my shoulders when it was over. Directly after I went to me room a cried. Not because of the things he had said but because I was so happy to be done with it and not to have gotten angry at him. Now I feel as though I am free to be me. Free to be Zara. This Saturday I am telling the rest of my family (on my moms side) at a party. I am excited because I know they will be happy and understanding of my decision.
Finally Free
-Z
He said how sad we was to see me living a life full of darkness and sin. How he hated to see me running from God and living a life as a "cover christian". Someone who can quote all the scriptures and say all the right things on Sunday but by Wednesday is out doing who knows what. How he can see right through the surface of me going to an extremely Conservative christian university (what an expensive cover up that he is not even paying for!) and that one day the world will see who I really am. He concludes with saying that he is just challenging me on my faith and telling me how he sees me living my life and that in the end he is not the one judging me (thank God!) and finally that he will always love me no matter how far I run from God (whoo hoo dad, thanks a lot).
I had been dreading this conversation for years. He said he will always call me by my birth name which is exactly what I expected of him. I can not even begin to describe the weight that I felt lift off my shoulders when it was over. Directly after I went to me room a cried. Not because of the things he had said but because I was so happy to be done with it and not to have gotten angry at him. Now I feel as though I am free to be me. Free to be Zara. This Saturday I am telling the rest of my family (on my moms side) at a party. I am excited because I know they will be happy and understanding of my decision.
Finally Free
-Z
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)