Becoming

I am legally and officially Zara by both government and family.  Many people think that by changing my name I have finally become the person I always thought and felt I was but its the other way around. I am becoming the person I always wanted to be.

The main characteristic of this person is that she does not care what others think.  In the past I exerted so much energy trying to make everyone happy and to do right by them. Caring entirely too much whether they liked my outfit or not, if my latest crush likes me back, or whether I am in with the "cool" kids or not. But not Zara.

Believe me, I understand that I am still the same person no matter what my name is but only to a certain extent. I believe that there are some things in a persons personality that can not be changed and others that can. Some things only take the simple decision of choice to change. And that is all that I am doing. Choosing to change.

Now understand me clearly. The past 18 years of my life have been filled with joy, happiness, some sorrow and hurt, a little regret, but most of all knowledge. Although those years were good I have learned some things that must change in order for me to enjoy the rest of my life to the fullest.

The word insanity means to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. If I do not change something than that is just what I am doing.  It may seem like an obvious solution to some but it was not for me, but none the less I have come to the same conclusion. Stop listening and care what others think of you so much. And that is just what I intend to do. Its what I must do.  Because I am going to live the life I have imagined for myself.

I write you for the first time legally as Zara.
-Z

Pleasantly Surprised

I love when life pleasantly surprises me.  Yesterday I thought it best to call my grandma (my dads mom) to let her know that I had renamed myself. I was expecting her to be just as harsh and cruel as my dad had been just the day before. In the 6 years since my parents divorce my relationship with her has really deteriorated. Simple things such as birthday gifts and holiday money had simply turned into a card signed grandma. So I was not really expect but support from her.

How I was wrong. I suspect that my dad called her the day before, right after I told him. She was extremely calm and strangely encouraging. Her words to me where that it was a beautiful name, who cares what others think of it, that it fits me well, that shes never met another Zara, its my body as long as I am not doing anything stupid that I should do with it what makes me happy and finally as long as I was happy with it then so was she. She only had two questions for me. 1) How did I spell it? and 2) When she sends me things should she address them to Zara?

Even as I write this now I am still so surprised with how well and encouraging that conversation was. Through this experience I am learning a lot about my family and friends. Who truly loves and cares for me and loves me unconditionally and also who could not careless about me. It truly has been an unforgettable adventure. Tomorrow I will conquer a big portion of my moms side of the family! I hope it goes as well as this conversation went.

Til then
-Z