Over my head

My mom and I are watching the Season Premiere of the Bachelorette. My mom loves the show. But me, I just don't get it.  The show lets them be a player just without the title.  Come on, one girl/guy one house and 25 guys or girls. The Biggest Loser has a higher success rate then the Bachelor/ Bachelorette.

I actually have a few things about the show I need to vent about. Firstly, why are there no other ethnicity's ever on the show. Really, has no one with even a hint of color ever gotten on the show or better yet, made it past the first night! Its pretty annoying.

Secondly, the girls just seem so light weight. Yes they are all gorgeous but they only have two lines they say "Aww your so cute" or "Your so sweet", they work as waitress, bloggers and cheerleaders and can't end a sentence without going up at the end. Now do not misunderstand me, there is nothing wrong with being a waitress but how come when its the bachelorette the guys are CEO's, partners at a law firm, millionaires and successful business owners. However on the bachelor they get teachers and models and latin dancers or something.

And thirdly, of course anyone would fall in love when you are flying all over the world to go on these absolutely amazing dates. Bungee jumping, helicopter rides, shopping sprees just the most exquisite date imaginable.

Still Here

When I woke up this morning I thought to my self, well one of two things happened.   Either I got left behind in the rapture or the whole thing was bogus to begin with.  I was pretty sure I had not been left behind. You see I am extremely confident in my relationship with God. I don't do good deeds just to get to heaven or go to church because that's what I thing you are suppose to do on Sundays. I volunteer, donate, love, support other not to get to heaven but because its the right thing to do.

I do believe the raptue will happen but when it does I don't think its going to be on some widely predicted date. And until it does, I am just going to keep on doing what I am doing and trust that I am not left behind and that's all I am saying about that, at least until 2012 when we are still here... again

Only When I Run

One of my life goals and ambitions is to run a marathon.  To run 26.2 pushes your body to its limits physically and mentally. Also to complete a marathon you have to be in top physical shape. It is simply put, an amazing accomplishment.  So in order to reach that goal I am going to work my way up to the full 26.2 miles by starting with a 5k.  I am running my first 5k race June 4th. I am so excited I can barely out it into words.  I have been training for about three weeks.  There is just something so addicting about running and something that happens only when I run. I feel free and strong. My mind becomes absolutely clear. I don't worry about things I need to do or things I have not done. Fear of upcoming events leave me. I become more calm and powerful with every long stride I take. The beautiful thing about running is that its only me, its my race to finish. No one else can finish for me.

 I can keep a solid pace for two miles but its that 3rd mile that gets me. I ran 3.1 miles today with a group and yes I finished but it was not easy! I really think that if I was not with a group I would not have ran the whole way. But now I know I can do 3 miles. Well I have a little less than 3 three weeks before the 5k. My goal is to run it in under 30 min. Today it took me about 40. So that's something to work towards. Oh and the picture above is of Florence Griffith Joyner or better known as Flo Jo. That girl was absolutely amazing. She still holds the world record for two events.  When I start to feel tired I try to run like her. It has not worked yet but it may one day, who knows!

-Z

What is it Like?

What is it like to be in love?

For your heart to skip a beat every time you meet.

For them to be one your mind day and night.

A love so strong you can't be discreet.

What is it like to be loved?

By someone who thinks the world of you.

Who knows just what to say when you cry.

Who you could ever lie to.

What is it like to be in love?

With someone you can confide all your secrets to.

You conquer your fears for.

With someone who only sees you.

What To Do

I have not told anyone about my name change yet.  Mainly Because I have not quiet figued out how to anwser the one question everyone is going to ask me "Why did you change it?"  I already wrote a post earlier this month explaining why. I was orginally only going to change my last name however in the process of looking for a new last name I also found a new first and middle one as well.  I can't simply answer "Because I wanted to." The best I have come up with is just that I did not like my name, which is true. I know I will without a doubt love my name once I go to college and it is the only name people will know me as. At this point I am thinking of letting everyone who already knows me as Birth name continue to call me that but let them know I have changed my name and everyone I meet from this point forward will know me by my new legal name.  Thats where I am now on things. What do you think I should do? Should I have everyone call me by my new legal name or just people that I meet from this point forward? Let me know!

-Z

Just Another Dateless Year

I just found an old blog I started before this one. It was actually pretty cute. It was titled Letters to No One.  Anyway I imported them into this blog so everything between February and June 2010 is from the old blog. One of my old writings really struck me.  It was titled "Dear Non Existent Prom Date". Heres what I wrote;

"Well no date this year which = no prom for me. Your the one missing out, not me... even if it goes seem like its the other way around! Don't worry though this time next year I will be writing about an existing prom date. But why did you ask her? Shes so superficial and narcissistic! So what shes cute and short. "fun sized". blah blah blah. I on the other hand stand at a fine height of 5'9 and am awesome! I can also carry an intelligent conversation that is not about me. And most importantly I like you not just because you are physically attractive but because you have a great personality, really fun to be around and you are very respectful to everyone around you. Well hope you have fun this year with Ms. Artificial!"

Needless to say history has repeated its self again.  Obviously when I wrote that entry I was pretty mad.  The nice guys all choose cute little air headed girls to go to prom with.  I just could not understand why no one had asked me.  But this year my frustration with not getting a prom date is not the girl they choose (thats second) its that I feel like I missed out on high school.

I know proms not a huge deal but I started community college when I was 14, finished high school when I was 15 and I am not going to my high school graduation this year. I feel like I went straight from middle school to college and in some weird way prom was going to be all my "high school experience" all in one night.  I wanted that picture of me pinning a corsage onto some guy, him with his arms around me, the whole 9 yards. Some people may be wondering why I cant go by myself. Simply put, I am homeschooled and we dont have a prom. If I had one I would have no problem going by myself but since I dont have one I have to go to someone else. Well I guess that there is always college. Its their loss... Just saying!

I am More

Have you ever heard a song that says exactly what you need to hear every time it plays? Well "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North is that song for me absolutely every time I hear it.

Lately choices I made long ago have been coming back to haunt me.  Some I had control over, some I did not but none the less I made them. The reason a lot of them have been coming back recently is because my Dad is taking my Mom back to court.  I hate it. The last six years has been revolving around it.  It just puts so much stress on everyone. When I was 12 me and my sister was 10 we were called to the judges back chambers and were questioned for a good few hours. Ever since that day our dad now blames us for screwing up his fiances, having to pay tons of child support, being manipulated by our mom and her family, for living life on "the wrong path" (whatever that means) and most often he says we are worthless.  That last one hurts the most. The list is just simply ridiculous. Ever since that day I have wrestled with myself about what I could have done differently. I am not going to go into greater detail because I do not want to bore you.

There are many other things that I regret doing or not doing. Things that were said that I wish had stayed unsaid, friendships that were broken, actions that were done, the list goes on and on. With all thats going on I started to feel like I had made some many mistakes, done so many things wrong that they could not be undone. Then this song came on the radio. The chorus is my favorite part

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

I knew this but somewhere along the line I had convinced myself that it was not true or did not apply to me but the truth is IT DOES!  And I am more then my past problems, choices and mistakes.  I am not bound to my past and that feels absolutely amazing. And most importantly, I am beyond simply being worth it, I am priceless. That is what God says and I choose to listen to that over anything the world says about me. I am not perfect but God knew that coming into things. If he had expected me to be then he would not have died on the cross for me. I am so grateful for Gods Grace. I do not know what I would do without it.

-Z

A whole new beginning

When I was 15 I decided to change my name. There was only one problem with that. In order to legally change my name as a minor I would have to have BOTH parents sign off on it. Long story short when I told my Dad of my plans he flipped out and refused to sign the papers. I have not mentioned changing my name to him once since that day more than 3 years ago. But that's not to say that my intentions changed.


I have tried out more than 20 different names over the past 3 years. Every time I would go to a summer camp or conference were no one knew me I would introduce myself with a new name. Oddly enough the name I have chosen was actually the first name I ever tried out. I think in some way I always knew that I would end up naming myself that. With only 3 months until college I figured it was either now or never. I i was going to actually change it I needed to move on it so yesterday, I filled out the paper work and went to the courthouse with my birth certificate. Its official, I'm in the process of changing my name legally.

For my first name I have chosen Zari. Zari is from the Bible and means "Whom God helps and protects". That statement is so true in my life. There are things that have happened in my past that God has absolutely protected me. God has gotten me out of unbelievable situations and honestly if those things had not happened to me, I would not be the person I am today. I have such a strong relationship with God and I know its because the things I have been through. Some people don't understand it, but at the end of the day all that matters is that I do! For my last name I decided on a name that means Beautiful. I chose it more for me than for anyone else. It is just to remind myself that I am just that, Beautiful no matter what anyone else says.

I am excited and confident in my decision to change my name. Right now only my Mom and sister know that I am in the process. I am not quiet sure how to tell people that I have changed it and how to explain why I changed it but we will tackle that problem when we get there. I am not planning on telling anyone til it is legal. Well I will let you know how it all goes!

-Z