Keep Calm and Carry On

This week are final exams. For the most part they are going well. But 22 credits is no easy task, let me tell you! I am passing all but two classes, accounting and management. I need at least an 80 on the management to pass. I think I can do it, but thats not the problem. Accounting is...

I need to get something like a 95 on the final just to get a C in the class and I think we both know that is not going to happen. There is no point in stressing and freaking out about this exam. I am still going to study and do my best on the test but am prepared to have to retake the class. Even if I do pass by the skin of my teeth I would have to take accounting 2 and if accounting 1 was hard I do not want to even think about accounting 2.

The cool thing about ORU is that if you fail, retake, then pass the class, the pass overrides the fail. What a relief! So I just might be taking accounting 1 next semester, no sweat. But let me tell you, I will NEVER fail another class again and if I do, trust me, I will not be this calm about it!

I wish...

I wish I guys liked me. 

I wish I were thinner,

I wish I were prettier 

I wish I were like those other girls

I wish my nose was smaller

I wish, I wish, I wish...

maybe then guys would like me.

I feel sorry for people who get their security from others. Sadly I use to be one of them. But no longer. What they do not understand is that you must find yourself beautiful before others will be able to see it. If you don't, you will end up starving, unsatisfied, empty and alone. No guy likes a bag of bones, frail and delicate. Trust me, I know. Why would someone like a girl too concerned about getting her outfit dirty to enjoy an outdoor hike?

It may sound clique but it is the truth. 

Be real, be yourself and stay true to who you are.

Love will follow.

-Z

Love

If love asks a question, do not deceive
For the truth is the answer, I only believe

If my heart should open, or if my eyes
in happiness shed a tear, love do not fear

Let the wind in my soul blow you away
And the sun in my heart brighten your day

If love and life I was asked to compare
Both of these with you I wish to share 

A New Normal

Let's just say I am glad to be back at school all the way in Oklahoma.

I did not have an enjoyable thanksgiving to say the least. You see it was our first holiday as this "new" family. So we (meaning my sister and I) spent thanksgiving making my mom and him happy while we were bored out of our minds. The part that really got to me was that we did not do black friday.

Black friday is a tradition my mom, sister and I started five years ago. We download movies from itunes, bundle up and pack tons of junk food to stand outside of target for hours just to get a tv,  gps or whatever it is we want that year. But this year we were having dinner while thousands of others were busting the doors of target.

It is not a huge deal, I guess I will just have to get use to things being different now that my mom is married again. But I am so ever happy to be back at school where I have control. It feels so good. And where I am Zara again. No one back home calls me by my new name yet.

Well I hope you had a good thanksgiving!
-Z

Absolutely Nothing

Sometimes things do not turn out the way we wish they would. Actually most times they do not. Sometimes it is for the best, others we cant see how any good will come from it. It was so close, everything was perfect. Anticipation was high. Nothing could have brought me down, except for one thing and that one thing happened. Everything came to a screeching halt. After the disbelief, confusion and anger passed I was left with nothing. All that excitement and build up for what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The Beginning of Something (hopefully!)

Ok so I know I said I would try not to write about this boy too much but something amazing happened.  I can already tell this is one of those posts I will look back on and think, "Why did I write that?" But I am too excited not to, so here I go.

Here at ORU we have what we call roommate dates. Basically you get a date for your roommate and then the whole floor (which is about 30 girls) goes out with there date.  The dates are suppose to be blind, but that never happens. So a few nights ago a bunch of girls were in my room disusing whom they wanted for their date. So when they asked me I said Max. Turned out one of the girls had a class with him, so it was decided she would ask him the following day..

What if he said no or had no idea who I was?  All kinds of scenarios were running though my head. I was on pins and needles the entire day.  Well to my great relief and somewhat surprise he knew who I was AND he said… YES! I could not believe it, he said yes! So the date is set for the 29^th. I am so nervous. This is going to be my first date EVER. I will try not to be too awkward :) I am just really hoping and praying it goes really well because from what I can tell I really like this guy.

Well needless to say, you will be hearing about my date so I guess having a boy free blog is out the window!

Till then,
Z

Which way home?

This week was interesting to say the least. It felt good to be back home in maryland.  I had not seen my mom in two months and boy did it feel good to be hugged by her again.  We made this huge scene at the airport. It was hilarious, everyone was looking at us, but I did not care. I was back home.  Later that day we picked up my sister from her boarding school which was about 4 hours away, and yes we did the whole scene all over again.

To my great surprise Everton (my moms finance) decided to meet us in Georgia later that week for the wedding. It was really nice to spend some much needed time alone with my mom. Since I now live in Tulsa where no one really has a sence of style I desided to wait until I got to Maryland to buy my dress.  It felt as if i had never gone away to college just hanging out with my mom like old times.

Once we got to Georgia the dynamics changed, it was all about the wedding. Strangely enough my mom really counted on me to do many of the finishing touches such as checking the reception room, making sure the cake got there and other minor things. All in all the wedding went well.

But this was the strangest part. I was ready to go back to school. I was ready for several reasons. 1) I was tired of being my old name again. My family though they try have not switched over to Zara at all. 2) The mom I knew was no longer there. She had changed. Not in a bad way but different none the less. I had never seen her this happy and care free. I liked seeing this way. I just was not use to it. 3) While we were in Maryland we sold our home. The only home I ever lived in. Sure my mom now lives in Georgia but what about me? Is home Tulsa now for me?

I dont know, these reasons sound dumb now but all those and others I can not explain caused me to ask "Am I leaving home or going home?" I did not even care that much but all I knew was that I was ready to leave. I also concluded that Tulsa is now home...

-Z

Third Update of the Year

8) Make friends at ORU!!! (homeschooling prepared me well academically, socially is a whole other story)

9) Don't get really irritated or annoyed with my roommate (because that will make for a long year!)

10) Tell my dad about changing my name (preferably before I leave in August)

11) I think number 8 was a little vague. Make GUY friends, not just girls

12) Continue to run and work out at school

13) Stop drinking Dr. Pepper! (Its the only soda I drink but I am whiten my teeth, so it has to go!) 

14) Learn how to carry a good conversation with anyone. Teachers, friends, guys. Everyone.

Alright so since my last update to this list, in June, I have crosses off number 8, 10 and 12.  Lets start with number 8.

To my great surprise making friends was not has hard as i had expected it to be. Don't really know what to write about this one but there was defiantly an adjustment period to say the least. I had to get used to being around people 24/7.  I was a little overwhelming at first quiet honestly but i eventually found out that by just having a few hours to myself its not so bad.  I have not found (so far) any life long friends yet, but i have found many people that i enjoy being around.  Hopefully by the end of the year I will have made some friends i can see myself keeping in touch with for many years after college!

10) Well I told my dad back in july i think and i wrote a post on it so no need to do it again!

12) This one is probably that most interesting. I met a girl who had run a marathon when she was 16 (she's now 18) and want to run another. So we decided to train together! For those of you who don't know, running a marathon is one of my life goals. So to have the opportunity to knock this one out with in the next year is amazing. I am so excited!

Sorry to be so boring. I promise more interesting posts are to come. (my mom gets married this month...) well thats all for now

-Z

Walk of Shame

Today something totally embarrassing happened. Something that has never happened before and hopefully never happen again. Something so awful that it became blog worthy.

My credit card was declined at Target. The worst part was that I have a class with the guy who was checking me out. I can not even put into words the feeling that hit me when I realized it had been declined. Bad bad bad. To top it off I was with a few friends.

It happened a few hours ago now and its not as big of a deal as I am making it but that had never happened before! (and better not happen ever ago!) so I thought I would just write a short little piece on that.

-Z

Everything and Nothing

I dont even know were to begin. So many things have happened in the past few weeks that its just crazy. I think the one i am most excited about has to do with my mom. Two months ago my little sister and i made my mom an e-harmony account (with her permission of course). To our great surprise she got really into it and met a guy that she really started to like. Fast forward to last week and now she is engaged. We never saw this coming. My mom is different now, but its a good kind of different. I have thought long and hard about what the difference is and I think its that she is in love. I have never truly seen my mom in love. My parents marriage started falling apart long before the divoice. I was so young I sadly don't remember a time when my parents were in love. She is so happy and stress free. The wedding is going to be in about six weeks. Thats like no time in wedding time. I could not be happier for my mom.

As for the guy its going to take me some time getting use to him. His personality is very just ready to be my dad is the best way I can say it. I have grown up with out a dad and now I am away at college. He just wants to jump right into my life. And I know its not a bad thing. It just is going to take some time to get use to.

I am in my second week of college at Oral Roberts University. I love it here. College is absolutely amazing. Its a huge change from being homeschooled, thats for sure. Already i have had ice cream socials, learned to play ultimate frisby and volleyball and my favorite so far, had mud fights with our brother wing at 1 in the morning in the rain.  The classes are easy, I like my room mate and teachers but the food is a whole other story. I never have understood the famed freshman 15 but I do now more than ever and I refuse to gain it so to help prevent it guess what i went out and did...

I went out and MADE THE TRACK AND FIELD TEAM! I still can not believe it. It has not started yet but when it does I will be running a minimum of 30 miles a week. Crazy right! I will write all about it when I do start.

And finally there is a boy that I like. I try not to write about guys too often but there is just something about him. His name is Max and he is an incoming freshman, but hes two years older than me (he did mission trips for two years after high school) and his major is music tech. Oddly enough he is in my brother wing, so I get to see him quiet a bit. You must understand I do not very often like guys. I rather stay focused on school, making good grades and such but then he came along. He's not the kind of guy I imaged myself liking at all!

For starters he is my height if not shorter and I am only 5'9. Hes not very athlete. I always thought I would like a soccer player or like someone tall who could protect me. Even just writing about him now if makes me just smile. Its weird. What draws me to him is how outgoing and confident he is but not in a cocky way at all. I like how he does his own thing. Hes not a follower. And most of all I love how he puts Christ first in his life. Anyway I have only know him for a few weeks now but I will write more later. As for now I must finish a whole bunch of homework.

Till next time
-Z

Becoming

I am legally and officially Zara by both government and family.  Many people think that by changing my name I have finally become the person I always thought and felt I was but its the other way around. I am becoming the person I always wanted to be.

The main characteristic of this person is that she does not care what others think.  In the past I exerted so much energy trying to make everyone happy and to do right by them. Caring entirely too much whether they liked my outfit or not, if my latest crush likes me back, or whether I am in with the "cool" kids or not. But not Zara.

Believe me, I understand that I am still the same person no matter what my name is but only to a certain extent. I believe that there are some things in a persons personality that can not be changed and others that can. Some things only take the simple decision of choice to change. And that is all that I am doing. Choosing to change.

Now understand me clearly. The past 18 years of my life have been filled with joy, happiness, some sorrow and hurt, a little regret, but most of all knowledge. Although those years were good I have learned some things that must change in order for me to enjoy the rest of my life to the fullest.

The word insanity means to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. If I do not change something than that is just what I am doing.  It may seem like an obvious solution to some but it was not for me, but none the less I have come to the same conclusion. Stop listening and care what others think of you so much. And that is just what I intend to do. Its what I must do.  Because I am going to live the life I have imagined for myself.

I write you for the first time legally as Zara.
-Z

Pleasantly Surprised

I love when life pleasantly surprises me.  Yesterday I thought it best to call my grandma (my dads mom) to let her know that I had renamed myself. I was expecting her to be just as harsh and cruel as my dad had been just the day before. In the 6 years since my parents divorce my relationship with her has really deteriorated. Simple things such as birthday gifts and holiday money had simply turned into a card signed grandma. So I was not really expect but support from her.

How I was wrong. I suspect that my dad called her the day before, right after I told him. She was extremely calm and strangely encouraging. Her words to me where that it was a beautiful name, who cares what others think of it, that it fits me well, that shes never met another Zara, its my body as long as I am not doing anything stupid that I should do with it what makes me happy and finally as long as I was happy with it then so was she. She only had two questions for me. 1) How did I spell it? and 2) When she sends me things should she address them to Zara?

Even as I write this now I am still so surprised with how well and encouraging that conversation was. Through this experience I am learning a lot about my family and friends. Who truly loves and cares for me and loves me unconditionally and also who could not careless about me. It truly has been an unforgettable adventure. Tomorrow I will conquer a big portion of my moms side of the family! I hope it goes as well as this conversation went.

Til then
-Z

Free to be

Last night I told my dad that I had changed my name. His reaction was calmer than I had excepted but his words were some of the harshest he has ever said. He called me selfish, self absorbed, egotistic, fake, stuck up and some other much stronger words that I will not repeat. I was ok. Sure it hurt that he thought I was so self center when I have really made a point of living my life as selfless as I can. Once he saw I was not crying or enraged by his insults he started going for the kill in the one area of my life that I take pride in. How I strive to live every moment of everyday to glorify God. I love to tell people what a forgiving, loving and merciful God I serve and how they can too. If I do nothing more than bring people to Christ my whole life, I would be so happy but that is getting off track so back to the conversation.

He said how sad we was to see me living a life full of darkness and sin. How he hated to see me running from God and living a life as a "cover christian". Someone who can quote all the scriptures and say all the right things on Sunday but by Wednesday is out doing who knows what. How he can see right through the surface of me going to an extremely Conservative christian university (what an expensive cover up that he is not even paying for!) and that one day the world will see who I really am. He concludes with saying that he is just challenging me on my faith and telling me how he sees me living my life and that in the end he is not the one judging me (thank God!) and finally that he will always love me no matter how far I run from God (whoo hoo dad, thanks a lot).

I had been dreading this conversation for years. He said he will always call me by my birth name which is exactly what I expected of him. I can not even begin to describe the weight that I felt lift off my shoulders when it was over. Directly after I went to me room a cried. Not because of the things he had said but because I was so happy to be done with it and not to have gotten angry at him. Now I feel as though I am free to be me. Free to be Zara. This Saturday I am telling the rest of my family (on my moms side) at a party. I am excited because I know they will be happy and understanding of my decision.

Finally Free
-Z

Modified New Year's Resolutions

At the beginning of this year these are the  resolutions I set for myself:

1)Spend at least one hour everyday in prayer

2) Do P90x

3) To go out of country

4) Blog at least twice a month so far so good!

5) Finish every book i start

6) Stay true to myself (don't let anyone convince you to compromise your beliefs)

7) Send a secret to PostSecret


So we are half way through the year so I thought it would be a good time to reassess them. Some were things I had been wanting to do for years like to complete p90x or the travel. Others I wrote only a few minuets before the ball dropped. This year is different from all others for me. I go from being a dependent high schooler to a independent college student living half way across the country from my family.  This fact has really started to only in the past few weeks. So with that said I through it would be good to modify my list from the beginning of the year.

8) Make friends at ORU!!! (homeschooling prepared me well academically, socially is a whole other story)

9) Don't get really irritated or annoyed with my roommate (because that will make for a long year!)

10) Tell my dad about changing my name (preferably before I leave in August)

11) I think number 8 was a little vague. Make GUY friends, not just girls

12) Continue to run and work out at school

13) Stop drinking Dr. Pepper! (Its the only soda I drink but I am whiten my teeth, so it has to go!)

14) Learn how to carry a good conversation with anyone. Teachers, friends, guys. Everyone.

Can you tell I am not very aggressive in making new friends? Especially when it comes to talking to guys, even non romantically I just get so nerves its really bad. But I have gotten tired of it so this is the year I improve it!
I think thats all for now, but if I think of any others I will be sure to add them.

-A

Its official, I am Addicted

Alright, its safe to say that I am officially addicted to racing.  The fact that I have an extreme type A personality and am very competitive towards both myself and others does not help. I ran my second 5k yesterday.  That's two in two weeks! Turns out my official finishing time for the first race was 37 minuets.  After I finished I was proud of myself and after a few days went by I began to wonder if that was really as fast as I could run it and if i had really pushed myself hard enough during the race. I was very pleased, it turns out I placed 7th in my division and that was good but I knew I had more in me so... I registered for a race for the following weekend! My goals for race two was to beat my time by at least 6 minuets (but I really wanted to get into the 20's) and to give this race all I had so that when I finished I had no regrets.

So I am at the start line and the horn sounds. "This is it Zari" I thought to myself. "Just go for it". I know that in order to reach my goal I will have to run a consistent 10 minuet mile the whole way. From the very beginning people were passing me. The course was very different than the first race. The first one was on trails. This one was around a large school that has a large field on both sides of it. Bottom line is that I found out I don't like running in grass but there was an advantage to this course. When you ran around the field you could clearly see how many people were ahead and behind you. So it made me feel much better seeing that I was right behind the runners and ahead of the walkers.

On the second lap around the school I began to set goals for myself like, jog to that post then walk to the fence than jog... and so on because I knew the 3rd mile was were I gained the most time. I am glad to say that my strategy paid off. Before I knew it I was crossing the finish line and guess what the clock read, 29.37!!! That was the extreme goal I had set. I honestly did not think I would achieve it.

That feeling of success was even better that from the first race. I had done it. I was in the 20's (it was by the skin of my teeth, but I was there!). And that's no even the end. I decided to stay and hear the awards just so I could know about the time I needed to place. My division was Females 14-19. "And first place goes to... Zari H! Oh the excitement that filled me was unbelievable. Let me just put it into perspective for you here for a moment. I win awards for my brain. I graduated high school at 15 and was top of my class. I win debates and such but I have never placed first in a athletic event... ever. 1st Place!

Its going to be a few weeks until I run my next race. I am hoping it will be a 10k 6.2 miles. But I am still on a high from the last one so that should last me for a while :)

Til then,

-Z

Its a Start

Lately I just have not felt like writing. I don't really know why but I have been coming up with every excuse why I can't. It's too loud, I am too tired, blah blah blah. But I finally made myself sit down and write this entry, so here we go.

 I completed my first 5k!!! It took me 36 minuets and I surprisingly placed 7th! The excitement before the race was like none other.  My biggest fear going in to it was that I would be pulled off the course because I had taken too long. The first mile went by fairly quickly. When I passed the mile 1 marker I was so surprised when the guy yells out "10.24 Looking good!". Mile 2 I ran in 12 minuets so by then I had began to relax knowing I would make it before the cut off time. Looking back I could have powered through that past mile more but than again, it was all up hill.

Crossing that finishing line made me feel like I was on top of the world. Who would have thought that me who practices violin for 3 hours a day and has barely played any sports could pick up running at 18?!? But honestly thats what I love about running. This sport is not pregidist against age. Unlike dance or violin where people have to begin at the age of 3, people run their first marathons at 65 years of age and that is just incredible to me. So needless to say, I am addicted to running and I am already looking for either another 5k or a 10k to run next month. My goal is to run a marathon within two years and it looks like I am well on my way!

Well til next time

-Z

Over my head

My mom and I are watching the Season Premiere of the Bachelorette. My mom loves the show. But me, I just don't get it.  The show lets them be a player just without the title.  Come on, one girl/guy one house and 25 guys or girls. The Biggest Loser has a higher success rate then the Bachelor/ Bachelorette.

I actually have a few things about the show I need to vent about. Firstly, why are there no other ethnicity's ever on the show. Really, has no one with even a hint of color ever gotten on the show or better yet, made it past the first night! Its pretty annoying.

Secondly, the girls just seem so light weight. Yes they are all gorgeous but they only have two lines they say "Aww your so cute" or "Your so sweet", they work as waitress, bloggers and cheerleaders and can't end a sentence without going up at the end. Now do not misunderstand me, there is nothing wrong with being a waitress but how come when its the bachelorette the guys are CEO's, partners at a law firm, millionaires and successful business owners. However on the bachelor they get teachers and models and latin dancers or something.

And thirdly, of course anyone would fall in love when you are flying all over the world to go on these absolutely amazing dates. Bungee jumping, helicopter rides, shopping sprees just the most exquisite date imaginable.

Still Here

When I woke up this morning I thought to my self, well one of two things happened.   Either I got left behind in the rapture or the whole thing was bogus to begin with.  I was pretty sure I had not been left behind. You see I am extremely confident in my relationship with God. I don't do good deeds just to get to heaven or go to church because that's what I thing you are suppose to do on Sundays. I volunteer, donate, love, support other not to get to heaven but because its the right thing to do.

I do believe the raptue will happen but when it does I don't think its going to be on some widely predicted date. And until it does, I am just going to keep on doing what I am doing and trust that I am not left behind and that's all I am saying about that, at least until 2012 when we are still here... again

Only When I Run

One of my life goals and ambitions is to run a marathon.  To run 26.2 pushes your body to its limits physically and mentally. Also to complete a marathon you have to be in top physical shape. It is simply put, an amazing accomplishment.  So in order to reach that goal I am going to work my way up to the full 26.2 miles by starting with a 5k.  I am running my first 5k race June 4th. I am so excited I can barely out it into words.  I have been training for about three weeks.  There is just something so addicting about running and something that happens only when I run. I feel free and strong. My mind becomes absolutely clear. I don't worry about things I need to do or things I have not done. Fear of upcoming events leave me. I become more calm and powerful with every long stride I take. The beautiful thing about running is that its only me, its my race to finish. No one else can finish for me.

 I can keep a solid pace for two miles but its that 3rd mile that gets me. I ran 3.1 miles today with a group and yes I finished but it was not easy! I really think that if I was not with a group I would not have ran the whole way. But now I know I can do 3 miles. Well I have a little less than 3 three weeks before the 5k. My goal is to run it in under 30 min. Today it took me about 40. So that's something to work towards. Oh and the picture above is of Florence Griffith Joyner or better known as Flo Jo. That girl was absolutely amazing. She still holds the world record for two events.  When I start to feel tired I try to run like her. It has not worked yet but it may one day, who knows!

-Z

What is it Like?

What is it like to be in love?

For your heart to skip a beat every time you meet.

For them to be one your mind day and night.

A love so strong you can't be discreet.

What is it like to be loved?

By someone who thinks the world of you.

Who knows just what to say when you cry.

Who you could ever lie to.

What is it like to be in love?

With someone you can confide all your secrets to.

You conquer your fears for.

With someone who only sees you.

What To Do

I have not told anyone about my name change yet.  Mainly Because I have not quiet figued out how to anwser the one question everyone is going to ask me "Why did you change it?"  I already wrote a post earlier this month explaining why. I was orginally only going to change my last name however in the process of looking for a new last name I also found a new first and middle one as well.  I can't simply answer "Because I wanted to." The best I have come up with is just that I did not like my name, which is true. I know I will without a doubt love my name once I go to college and it is the only name people will know me as. At this point I am thinking of letting everyone who already knows me as Birth name continue to call me that but let them know I have changed my name and everyone I meet from this point forward will know me by my new legal name.  Thats where I am now on things. What do you think I should do? Should I have everyone call me by my new legal name or just people that I meet from this point forward? Let me know!

-Z

Just Another Dateless Year

I just found an old blog I started before this one. It was actually pretty cute. It was titled Letters to No One.  Anyway I imported them into this blog so everything between February and June 2010 is from the old blog. One of my old writings really struck me.  It was titled "Dear Non Existent Prom Date". Heres what I wrote;

"Well no date this year which = no prom for me. Your the one missing out, not me... even if it goes seem like its the other way around! Don't worry though this time next year I will be writing about an existing prom date. But why did you ask her? Shes so superficial and narcissistic! So what shes cute and short. "fun sized". blah blah blah. I on the other hand stand at a fine height of 5'9 and am awesome! I can also carry an intelligent conversation that is not about me. And most importantly I like you not just because you are physically attractive but because you have a great personality, really fun to be around and you are very respectful to everyone around you. Well hope you have fun this year with Ms. Artificial!"

Needless to say history has repeated its self again.  Obviously when I wrote that entry I was pretty mad.  The nice guys all choose cute little air headed girls to go to prom with.  I just could not understand why no one had asked me.  But this year my frustration with not getting a prom date is not the girl they choose (thats second) its that I feel like I missed out on high school.

I know proms not a huge deal but I started community college when I was 14, finished high school when I was 15 and I am not going to my high school graduation this year. I feel like I went straight from middle school to college and in some weird way prom was going to be all my "high school experience" all in one night.  I wanted that picture of me pinning a corsage onto some guy, him with his arms around me, the whole 9 yards. Some people may be wondering why I cant go by myself. Simply put, I am homeschooled and we dont have a prom. If I had one I would have no problem going by myself but since I dont have one I have to go to someone else. Well I guess that there is always college. Its their loss... Just saying!

I am More

Have you ever heard a song that says exactly what you need to hear every time it plays? Well "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North is that song for me absolutely every time I hear it.

Lately choices I made long ago have been coming back to haunt me.  Some I had control over, some I did not but none the less I made them. The reason a lot of them have been coming back recently is because my Dad is taking my Mom back to court.  I hate it. The last six years has been revolving around it.  It just puts so much stress on everyone. When I was 12 me and my sister was 10 we were called to the judges back chambers and were questioned for a good few hours. Ever since that day our dad now blames us for screwing up his fiances, having to pay tons of child support, being manipulated by our mom and her family, for living life on "the wrong path" (whatever that means) and most often he says we are worthless.  That last one hurts the most. The list is just simply ridiculous. Ever since that day I have wrestled with myself about what I could have done differently. I am not going to go into greater detail because I do not want to bore you.

There are many other things that I regret doing or not doing. Things that were said that I wish had stayed unsaid, friendships that were broken, actions that were done, the list goes on and on. With all thats going on I started to feel like I had made some many mistakes, done so many things wrong that they could not be undone. Then this song came on the radio. The chorus is my favorite part

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

I knew this but somewhere along the line I had convinced myself that it was not true or did not apply to me but the truth is IT DOES!  And I am more then my past problems, choices and mistakes.  I am not bound to my past and that feels absolutely amazing. And most importantly, I am beyond simply being worth it, I am priceless. That is what God says and I choose to listen to that over anything the world says about me. I am not perfect but God knew that coming into things. If he had expected me to be then he would not have died on the cross for me. I am so grateful for Gods Grace. I do not know what I would do without it.

-Z

A whole new beginning

When I was 15 I decided to change my name. There was only one problem with that. In order to legally change my name as a minor I would have to have BOTH parents sign off on it. Long story short when I told my Dad of my plans he flipped out and refused to sign the papers. I have not mentioned changing my name to him once since that day more than 3 years ago. But that's not to say that my intentions changed.


I have tried out more than 20 different names over the past 3 years. Every time I would go to a summer camp or conference were no one knew me I would introduce myself with a new name. Oddly enough the name I have chosen was actually the first name I ever tried out. I think in some way I always knew that I would end up naming myself that. With only 3 months until college I figured it was either now or never. I i was going to actually change it I needed to move on it so yesterday, I filled out the paper work and went to the courthouse with my birth certificate. Its official, I'm in the process of changing my name legally.

For my first name I have chosen Zari. Zari is from the Bible and means "Whom God helps and protects". That statement is so true in my life. There are things that have happened in my past that God has absolutely protected me. God has gotten me out of unbelievable situations and honestly if those things had not happened to me, I would not be the person I am today. I have such a strong relationship with God and I know its because the things I have been through. Some people don't understand it, but at the end of the day all that matters is that I do! For my last name I decided on a name that means Beautiful. I chose it more for me than for anyone else. It is just to remind myself that I am just that, Beautiful no matter what anyone else says.

I am excited and confident in my decision to change my name. Right now only my Mom and sister know that I am in the process. I am not quiet sure how to tell people that I have changed it and how to explain why I changed it but we will tackle that problem when we get there. I am not planning on telling anyone til it is legal. Well I will let you know how it all goes!

-Z

Bonjour

I know I have not posted much this month at all but I have good reason. I did a study abroad in Europe. It was an absolutely amazing experience that I will never forget. We went to London, Paris, Normandy, Amsterdam, and Bayeux. For the first few days we stayed in London and Amsterdam where they spoke English so it was pretty easy to get directions, ride the "tube", and order food at a restaurant. It was not until we crossed into France that it truly felt like like we were in another country. I will never forget having to go to the bathroom for the first time in France. I was so shocked that you had to PAY for the bathroom, even in restaurants! Ordering food was always an adventure. My strategy was simply order what I could say. That always kept dinner interesting. This was the second time I have been to Paris but the first time I can really remember. What a beautiful city it was. This defiantly will not be my last time!

Number Two... Completed

I have completed P90X whoo hoo!!! I feel amazing. I can do things that were unthinkable three months ago. Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups and even that crazy weird under the fence swooshing motion (anyone whose done it knows what in talking about!) Since i first started i have gotten much more toned but I do not want to deceive anyone reading this. I do have to confess that I was not the most strict on the diet part of it, but hey i did more than a lot of other people! Now I by no means am saying that I was eating french fries and ice creameveryday at all I just did not follow the diet to the T. None the less I am extremely excited to have completed it and to my great surprise working out is strangely addicting. I am in the best shape of my short 18 year life. I think I would dare say even better than when I tested for my black belt. So with that said I have decided to either do P90X again starting in may or join lifetime fitness's Run Club. Sadly I was the only one of all the people I started with to complete it so I am hoping they might try again.

To anyone who wants to get into great shape I highly recommend P90X. I am amazed at what it has done for me in just three months. But do not miss understand me, it is no walk in the park... but its worth it.

Not only am i excited to have finished P90X but I am also really happy to be able to cross that off of my new years resolutions and its only April, I still have eight more months left!

Till next time,

-Z

Success

I think the title says about everything! I actually hosted the sleepover this past weekend and it went great. I invited 3 of my closest friends. I was nervous at first that there would be a lot of awkward silences and nothing really to do but the moment the first person arrived my nerves calmed. The most fun part of the night was bowling. Not actually the bowling its self but how we got the lane. Here let me tell you what happened.

So we walk into the bowling alley around 10:30 expecting it not to be too packed. We were so naive, I mean it was a Friday night of course it was going to be packed. So anyway we finally get to the front of this crazy long line only to be told we have to wait at least 30 minuets. But we all decide to wait it out so we grab some seats and watch other people play. After a few minuets we notice this guy who every time is getting a strike, he ended up bowling a perfect game, it was pretty amazing. After he finished his game he comes over to us to see if we are waiting for a lane. When we say yes he says that hes done bowling and that we can just use his lane which he had for the rest of the night. At first we were a little skeptical. We did not know if he wanted something in return from us or what. But it turned out he worked there and he gave us free shoe retails so we bowled until about one in the morning. Everyone really had a blast.

After that we headed back to my house and watched movies, baked a whole bunch of stuff, talked about whose dating who, did stupid dares, and finally knocked out at about 5:30 am. I am really glad I decided to host it. It really brought us closer as friends and helped me relax and simply be myself around them with out feeling judged. I'm thinking another one is not too far off into the future!

Here's a snapshot of us.

(Bad picture, great memories!)

-Z

Here I Am

A poem, upon request.

Hope you enjoy it.

Here I stand.

Confused and alone.

Not quiet sure what to do.

Never have I felt so on my own.

Here I am.

Knowing your desire is for me to fail,

I am all the more determined to succsed.

And then I will have prevailed.

Here I stand.

Ready to prove you wrong.

Though you thought you'd torn me down,

Here I am, standing strong.

-Z

A First For Everything

Generally speaking, the first time you do just about anything is the scariest. But i believe that fear should never stop you from doing something and quiet honestly if your scared to do it, it usually was worth doing in the long run. 

 So with that said I am throwing my first sleepover. Yes I know it is a little late for me to be doing it but there is a first time for everything. I have been Home schooled for all but two years of my life. Since I am home schooled I have often felt like I have missed out on alot of social events like parties and sleepovers. The fact that i naturally stay to myself and am extremely shy does not help. I am glad like never before that my younger sister is a total social butterfly. If she is not texting someone she is facebook chatting them. If shes not facebooking them then shes skyping them. She is constantly talking to someone. She is invited to a sleepover or party just about every weekend so she has experience in sleepovers. I am having it the second week in March so ill let you know how it goes. Although I have no idea how it is going to turn out I am excited for it. In life you cant blame other people for you missing out on opportunities nor can you just sit back and expect everything to fall out perfectly in your life. Sometimes you must take matters into your own hands. 

 I am well aware that a sleepover is not a life changing event but for me its proving something to myself. Its proving that i have friends who like me for who I am, even in my most awkward and embarrassing moments. I have always felt like my friends are judging me or waiting for me to do something dumb so they can make fun of me. But that's not the truth. Spending this time with them I believe will prove to myself that they like me simply for who I am and that I can be all the way comfortable around them. I hope all goes well!

-Z

Simply Not Real

Have you ever made up a relationship in your head? Over analyzed someones every move or word said to you that you convince yourself that they like you? Well I have. Most of my so called "relationships" have been like that. I think they like me because I read too much into how they look at me or the way they act around around me. And then because I think they like me I start to like them. It sounds so weird when I actually write it out but this is what i do. The worst part of doing this is when you wake up and are realize the harsh reality that he does not like you at all. For me this epiphany usually comes when he starts to date my friend and i realize that there was never anything there. I have to stop doing this. There is no happy ending when I do this. I just need to stop doing this... end of story.

-Z

A New Chapter

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 18. It feeling like such a huge number. I know that in the whole picture of life that its not but it feels that way right now. I remember 8 years ago when i though double digits were a huge deal. And lets not even talk about 13. I though i was unstoppable, being a teenager and all. But 18 is somehow slightly different from these other years. My parents divorced 6 years ago. The courts then set specific visitation days for me. They told me which parent I would spend my weekends with, who I would spend my birthday with, if I would get to see them on their birthdays, whos turn it was to have be on any given holiday, how my summer would be divided between the two of them and so much more. I am sad to say that my wants and feelings were really not taken into account. I dont want your pity or sympathy I just want to explain why I am so excited to turn 18 and the major changes that it brings about. It feels good to know that my life it finally in my hands. If I wanted to I could now not see either one of them for the holidays or I could see both. I dont know what I will do but what I do know is that it will be my choice. Not my parents and defiantly not some judges who has never met me before. To be completely honest I probably will comtiou with my visitation schedule as usual but I am ok with that because it will have been my decision.

-Z

Day One

So, today was my first day on P90x. Those workouts are no joke! The thing that i have noticed about P90x is that so many people put youtube videos and blogs about starting it but so many of them you never hear from again after week two or three. But not me. I am going to follow this thing all the way though. It really helps that i am doing it with my mom, two aunts and an uncle. I am not doing it to loss weight. That's not my intention at all. I am 5'9 and weight 115. My main reason for doing it is to gain muscle tone. I am going away to college in the fall and i want to look really great so if that is not great motivation than i don't know what is!
-Z

New Years Resolutions

1) Spend at least one hour everyday in prayer- Done

2) Do P90x- Done

3) To go out of country- Done

4) Blog at least twice a month

5) Finish every book i start

6) Stay true to myself

7) Send a secret to PostSecret

8) Keep all of the above!