Rise to the challenge

As an artist, you are constantly being challenged to go beyond your greatest limits in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have always willingly and eagerly accepted that challenge until now. The challenge I am referring to is Elgars Cello Concerto in E Minor 1st mov.

The whole piece in general is a challenge but the two specific sections I am struggling the most with are the opening chords and 2:20-2:50. This piece is saturated in turmoil, angst, death, pain, fear and trepidation as it was written during World War I while the composer had caught a serious infection and was undergoing a risky operation.  There is not an ounce of joy, happiness or relief in it and that is why I am having so much difficulty with it. My teacher has repeatedly told me "Your playing it just too pretty." By this she means that I am being to gentle with me approach. I am playing as if I am going to break my cello, like it cant handle this piece. With everything in me I want to but I can feel myself holding back and for the life of me I dont know why.

The question now becomes how bad do I want it? How far outside of my comfort zone am I willing to go? How much will I let this piece change me? How far will I allow this piece to stretch me? The ability to dig deeper and push yourself further than ever before is what separates the goods from the greats. There can be no timidness, doubt and insecurities in me in order to do this piece justice. I need to recall the experiences I have had with death in my family. I need to engross yourself in the emotions of this piece. This needs to become so much more than just a sad depressing song. It needs to become personal. And I know when I finally let myself do that, my gosh is it going to be breath taking.

Zari