Free to be

Last night I told my dad that I had changed my name. His reaction was calmer than I had excepted but his words were some of the harshest he has ever said. He called me selfish, self absorbed, egotistic, fake, stuck up and some other much stronger words that I will not repeat. I was ok. Sure it hurt that he thought I was so self center when I have really made a point of living my life as selfless as I can. Once he saw I was not crying or enraged by his insults he started going for the kill in the one area of my life that I take pride in. How I strive to live every moment of everyday to glorify God. I love to tell people what a forgiving, loving and merciful God I serve and how they can too. If I do nothing more than bring people to Christ my whole life, I would be so happy but that is getting off track so back to the conversation.

He said how sad we was to see me living a life full of darkness and sin. How he hated to see me running from God and living a life as a "cover christian". Someone who can quote all the scriptures and say all the right things on Sunday but by Wednesday is out doing who knows what. How he can see right through the surface of me going to an extremely Conservative christian university (what an expensive cover up that he is not even paying for!) and that one day the world will see who I really am. He concludes with saying that he is just challenging me on my faith and telling me how he sees me living my life and that in the end he is not the one judging me (thank God!) and finally that he will always love me no matter how far I run from God (whoo hoo dad, thanks a lot).

I had been dreading this conversation for years. He said he will always call me by my birth name which is exactly what I expected of him. I can not even begin to describe the weight that I felt lift off my shoulders when it was over. Directly after I went to me room a cried. Not because of the things he had said but because I was so happy to be done with it and not to have gotten angry at him. Now I feel as though I am free to be me. Free to be Zara. This Saturday I am telling the rest of my family (on my moms side) at a party. I am excited because I know they will be happy and understanding of my decision.

Finally Free
-Z

Modified New Year's Resolutions

At the beginning of this year these are the  resolutions I set for myself:

1)Spend at least one hour everyday in prayer

2) Do P90x

3) To go out of country

4) Blog at least twice a month so far so good!

5) Finish every book i start

6) Stay true to myself (don't let anyone convince you to compromise your beliefs)

7) Send a secret to PostSecret


So we are half way through the year so I thought it would be a good time to reassess them. Some were things I had been wanting to do for years like to complete p90x or the travel. Others I wrote only a few minuets before the ball dropped. This year is different from all others for me. I go from being a dependent high schooler to a independent college student living half way across the country from my family.  This fact has really started to only in the past few weeks. So with that said I through it would be good to modify my list from the beginning of the year.

8) Make friends at ORU!!! (homeschooling prepared me well academically, socially is a whole other story)

9) Don't get really irritated or annoyed with my roommate (because that will make for a long year!)

10) Tell my dad about changing my name (preferably before I leave in August)

11) I think number 8 was a little vague. Make GUY friends, not just girls

12) Continue to run and work out at school

13) Stop drinking Dr. Pepper! (Its the only soda I drink but I am whiten my teeth, so it has to go!)

14) Learn how to carry a good conversation with anyone. Teachers, friends, guys. Everyone.

Can you tell I am not very aggressive in making new friends? Especially when it comes to talking to guys, even non romantically I just get so nerves its really bad. But I have gotten tired of it so this is the year I improve it!
I think thats all for now, but if I think of any others I will be sure to add them.

-A

Its official, I am Addicted

Alright, its safe to say that I am officially addicted to racing.  The fact that I have an extreme type A personality and am very competitive towards both myself and others does not help. I ran my second 5k yesterday.  That's two in two weeks! Turns out my official finishing time for the first race was 37 minuets.  After I finished I was proud of myself and after a few days went by I began to wonder if that was really as fast as I could run it and if i had really pushed myself hard enough during the race. I was very pleased, it turns out I placed 7th in my division and that was good but I knew I had more in me so... I registered for a race for the following weekend! My goals for race two was to beat my time by at least 6 minuets (but I really wanted to get into the 20's) and to give this race all I had so that when I finished I had no regrets.

So I am at the start line and the horn sounds. "This is it Zari" I thought to myself. "Just go for it". I know that in order to reach my goal I will have to run a consistent 10 minuet mile the whole way. From the very beginning people were passing me. The course was very different than the first race. The first one was on trails. This one was around a large school that has a large field on both sides of it. Bottom line is that I found out I don't like running in grass but there was an advantage to this course. When you ran around the field you could clearly see how many people were ahead and behind you. So it made me feel much better seeing that I was right behind the runners and ahead of the walkers.

On the second lap around the school I began to set goals for myself like, jog to that post then walk to the fence than jog... and so on because I knew the 3rd mile was were I gained the most time. I am glad to say that my strategy paid off. Before I knew it I was crossing the finish line and guess what the clock read, 29.37!!! That was the extreme goal I had set. I honestly did not think I would achieve it.

That feeling of success was even better that from the first race. I had done it. I was in the 20's (it was by the skin of my teeth, but I was there!). And that's no even the end. I decided to stay and hear the awards just so I could know about the time I needed to place. My division was Females 14-19. "And first place goes to... Zari H! Oh the excitement that filled me was unbelievable. Let me just put it into perspective for you here for a moment. I win awards for my brain. I graduated high school at 15 and was top of my class. I win debates and such but I have never placed first in a athletic event... ever. 1st Place!

Its going to be a few weeks until I run my next race. I am hoping it will be a 10k 6.2 miles. But I am still on a high from the last one so that should last me for a while :)

Til then,

-Z

Its a Start

Lately I just have not felt like writing. I don't really know why but I have been coming up with every excuse why I can't. It's too loud, I am too tired, blah blah blah. But I finally made myself sit down and write this entry, so here we go.

 I completed my first 5k!!! It took me 36 minuets and I surprisingly placed 7th! The excitement before the race was like none other.  My biggest fear going in to it was that I would be pulled off the course because I had taken too long. The first mile went by fairly quickly. When I passed the mile 1 marker I was so surprised when the guy yells out "10.24 Looking good!". Mile 2 I ran in 12 minuets so by then I had began to relax knowing I would make it before the cut off time. Looking back I could have powered through that past mile more but than again, it was all up hill.

Crossing that finishing line made me feel like I was on top of the world. Who would have thought that me who practices violin for 3 hours a day and has barely played any sports could pick up running at 18?!? But honestly thats what I love about running. This sport is not pregidist against age. Unlike dance or violin where people have to begin at the age of 3, people run their first marathons at 65 years of age and that is just incredible to me. So needless to say, I am addicted to running and I am already looking for either another 5k or a 10k to run next month. My goal is to run a marathon within two years and it looks like I am well on my way!

Well til next time

-Z