Free to be

Last night I told my dad that I had changed my name. His reaction was calmer than I had excepted but his words were some of the harshest he has ever said. He called me selfish, self absorbed, egotistic, fake, stuck up and some other much stronger words that I will not repeat. I was ok. Sure it hurt that he thought I was so self center when I have really made a point of living my life as selfless as I can. Once he saw I was not crying or enraged by his insults he started going for the kill in the one area of my life that I take pride in. How I strive to live every moment of everyday to glorify God. I love to tell people what a forgiving, loving and merciful God I serve and how they can too. If I do nothing more than bring people to Christ my whole life, I would be so happy but that is getting off track so back to the conversation.

He said how sad we was to see me living a life full of darkness and sin. How he hated to see me running from God and living a life as a "cover christian". Someone who can quote all the scriptures and say all the right things on Sunday but by Wednesday is out doing who knows what. How he can see right through the surface of me going to an extremely Conservative christian university (what an expensive cover up that he is not even paying for!) and that one day the world will see who I really am. He concludes with saying that he is just challenging me on my faith and telling me how he sees me living my life and that in the end he is not the one judging me (thank God!) and finally that he will always love me no matter how far I run from God (whoo hoo dad, thanks a lot).

I had been dreading this conversation for years. He said he will always call me by my birth name which is exactly what I expected of him. I can not even begin to describe the weight that I felt lift off my shoulders when it was over. Directly after I went to me room a cried. Not because of the things he had said but because I was so happy to be done with it and not to have gotten angry at him. Now I feel as though I am free to be me. Free to be Zara. This Saturday I am telling the rest of my family (on my moms side) at a party. I am excited because I know they will be happy and understanding of my decision.

Finally Free
-Z